Watch This Space

(Proper Flyer with Neat-o Images to be posted soon).

STONER WALL II: MININUM WAGE OF MAYHEM
Coming January 2011

Another zine covering Heavy Metal Sub/Urban Hell (and Heaven) featuring: Interviews with people from the Bay Area Metal/Hardcore scene, Metalsploitation – in the movies and the media, The mayhemic world of Nasty Savage, The continuing saga of Danny: “the good little Christian boy”, Broken Entity: the band that should not be, I was a teenage prog nerd, odes to 1980s cable TV/VHS culture, Judge Dredd, Satan & the occult, penbangers/penpals, Temporary Valhalla Zones aka: the greatest 80’s record stores, pro wrestling, totally rockin’ radio, record & show reviews from 1984-90, proper BMX aesthetics , junk food, and even more 7-11s,. Plus: guitar lesson horrors, taking a “mini-vacation from Metal”, and of course the “all-important” stories about: fights, getting wasted and cutting school!

More crud up here: http://hordesofhesh.blogspot.com

“You're nobody's slave, nobody's chains are holdin' you

You hold your fist up high,

And rule the zoo”

– W.A.S.P. – “I Wanna Be Somebody”

At War With Chuck Eddy: aka: Kix's 1st album

I'm gonna start posting a few reviews of records here. Just to look at some things I've missed out on over the years. The good, the bad and the awful. Here's a record that at times covers (mostly) the latter 2. However, I need to first cover where I first heard about this album.

Kix - Kix (Atlantic, 1981)
I first read about Kix in Hit Parader in some small article about "upcoming hot rockers" or another equally dumb feature. At least it wasn't another piece on Motley Crue, Ratt or main writer Andy Secher whining about "the speed metal sweepstakes". A few months later I saw the video around 11pm on Headbanger's Ball for the song "Midnight Dynamite" and thought it was pretty good. In recent years, I've heard it every so often on his show on my friend Big Chief's show on KZSU .

The Kix album show above was recommended to me by another KZSU DJ who (like me), loves to hate the "so dumb it's almost good" book Stairway to Hell: The 500 Best Heavy Metal Albums in the Universe. The author Chuck Eddy is a hack that was wrote for "cool critic" places like Creem, Creem Metal (their short-lived/sometimes decent 80's spin off mag), and the Village Voice. Eddy's book is chock full of insane ideas on what he thinks is "heavy metal".

Specifically, Eddy's elastic definition includes everything from the pop of Teena Marie the party rap of the Beastie Boys - License to Ill  to Bryan Fucking Adams'- Reckless to the experimental guitar works of Glen Branca  to the WTFery of Celtic Frost's Cold Lake. Yet, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest and every NWOBHM band is excluded! His take on NWOBHM is simply: "Seems those fickle Brits traded in their porkpie hats for leather and chains, and there was suddenly this 'New Wave' of metal overseas, all the bands (Saxon, Samson [spelled Sampson in the book], Marseille, Girl, Diamondhead) that everybody forgot about real quick, plus Iron Maiden and Def Leppard, who either inexplicably or explicably (depends on your point of view) would thrive forever."

A lot of this is lazy journalism making some odd-ball claim that, oh, 2nd wave ska musicians suddenly traded in their Desmond Dekker for UFO and started playing riffs? Sure, no one ever cared about "Diamondhead" ['cause Diamond Head's 2 words, duder] in the "big picture". Yet some bands called Metallica and Megadeth (who DH opened for on the 2004 UK tour) always did. They're even in his book (Metallica, 5 times and Megadeth...huh? Nope not at all. Saaaad!).

The book is filled with other insanities. This album I'm about to get into was in the Top 500 -  at Number Five! Just behind #2 Gn'R's - Appetite of Destruction  and #1 Fred Zep's - Bozo record at #1 (*kack*). A small consolation, from Eddy who says that GN'R: "owes more to Janis Joplin and Bo Diddley than to Deep Purple. 'Metal's where records stores filed it." True but, "owes more to Hanoi Rocks/Rose Tattoo and Nazereth and then waters it down" would be be more apt.

Anyway, on to KIX.  These Baltimore cornballs jump around a lot. "Atomic Bomb" would've been at home on the first Ratt EP complete with Stephen Pearcy/Robyn Crosby-like harmonies. So far, so good. Then it's the utter wanky stadium rock  of "Love At First Sight" so clichéd that even Ted Nugent would take a step back.

The weird skinny-tie new wave of "Heartache" is just confusing. Then they go back to the awful Sunset Strip by way of B'more tunes: "Poison" and "Contrary Mary" are iffy at best. The AC/DC worship: "The Itch" is pretty pointless. "Kix Are For Kids" is fast but chee-zee. I can do without choruses used as crutches - which is essentially the bulk of 80's pop. The Cheap Trick-like "The Kid" is pretty choice but it soon falls over into cock-rock right before it hits the chorus. Then it turns into a mess of slick harmonies and fluff that becomes the hair farmer gold standard (ex: Jackyl, Trixter, etc). The playing on the final track "Yeah Yeah Yeah" is OK. But really do we NEED another tune about "woman hunting"? Much less one that invokes even more Led Zep/Aerosmith ball-stroking AND mentions puking 'ludes?

Overall, it has a few sparks but no dynamite even for being ahead of their time. Although "ahead of it's time" isn't always stands the test of time like G.I.S.M. or Cromagon. Alright, you just read an entire Kix review now go listen to Master's Hammer, Beyond Dawn or Electric Wizard or...

Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy!

My best friend in high school, Steve's nickname was "Ozzy. He's the one who memorized all the banter from "Speak ofthe Devil". "Does anyboddyeee remembah th' ol' Phill Maurice? Yeah Maaan Phil Maurice*- woo! We used to get shitfaced...with yew groupies!...Let's hava RIOOOOTTT!" (*vomits out strawberry soda*). Randy Rhodes was one of my fave guitarists then. I once was in Westwood (L.A. area) and my friend bought me this killer 8x10 pic of Randy. I put it up next to one of Randy that Steve gave me from the Day on the Green show in Oakland (4th July '81).

Steve making the "Ozzy Face" and me trying to avoid the camera - '88 yearbook. 

When my friends & I went to see him & Metallica on "Ultimate Sin" tour, the shithead stoners at school said they're going "to Metallica" even though they thought they were a "new band". My friend Danny's family were born-again Xtians but his mom was moving away from it and was OK with him going to the show. Tho' he had to keep it secret from his xtian/rascist fuckhead dad. My dad oddly enough almost prevented me from going. He was starting get involved in his (otherwise pretty liberal church) and believed that Tipper Gore was right about some of this "parental advisory" shit. He got pissed off at me putting the "Fuck Like A Beast" cover on my wall - so that's beginning of it. (Oh and...he was constantly pissed off at my hella punk rock sister). 


Anyway, I heard a lot of the singles from "Blizzard", "Diary" and "Bark" back then. I even had a full Ozzy wall in my room (and a 'Maiden wall) where Steve  would imitate every expression that Oz made (see pic above). The show was great. At the time I was burnt out on hearing about Metallica. Odd, sure but I was tired of all these dickwads that otherwisewould've hated them 2 years earlier. ("Fuck this, punk shit - put on Aerosmith!" I'm sure they'd say.) Metallica came on and they so fucking fast & heavy we COULDN'T deny how amazing they were. That and were quite stoned & tipsy from weed & wine in the parking lot earlier. 


Ozzy that night was iffy at best. The band sounded fine but his voice was cracking and here & there was fuckin' a lyric or two. Still, I got a shirt with Ozzy clapping alongside Jake E. Lee. I started losing interest around '87 when I was burning out on much of Hard Rock & Metal. Didn't even care when "No Rest" came out. Having a guitarist named Zakk Wylde in the height of glam-fluff excess didn't help either. That said, he worked with a ton of great musicians and made some great stuff that I always feel good coming back to.