Monday, November 30, 2009

NSBM bands just wanna rock with their (fascist) cocks out

Exhibit One: Satanic Warmaster – covering Motley Crue’s “Take Me To The Top”

Exhibit Two: Nokturnal Mortum – covering W.A.S.P.’s “Wild Child”

So, will this mean that Graveland will cover Keel’s “The Right To Rock”? Or will Absurd cover Dokken’s “Paris Is Burning” complete with flamin’ guitar solo? If so, this would be a minor improvement on a bunch of lame-ass controversial bands whose music never seems to rise above “novelty value”. Yeah, yeah, I know Nokturnal Mortum loves to get down with the fiddles with their quasi-black metal shit but it’s still not selling me. Their bullshit beliefs aside, these bands rarely know how to put the METAL in Black Metal. Or the ROCK in their Rock Against Vulgar Marxism (or whatever the fuck their other styles are is). I mean as good sounding as the sketchy bastards like Der Strumer or Sigrblot are there's also the "can't play an audible chord or know how to make a decent song to save their life of War88 along with the or the pure comedy of the Nokturnal Mortem related power metal cheese makers, Finist

Even Satanic Warmaster confused about what night looks like:

Sure they live in Finland and in the summer there’s nearly 24 hours of sun but where’s the thematic consistency? They also play with openly neo-Nazi bands like Absurd then deny they’re NSBM. Also, last year, someone I know from the Finnish Metal scene told me at this same Absurd/Satanic Warmaster show there was a ton of people sieg-heiling. Way to go, geniuses.

When Metal Hammer failed to live up to its name.

UK Metal Hammer's albums of the year in 1997. In the weird "Oh, Heavy Metal? That's not cool anymore, I listen to ____" era. They might've been the same idiots bursting out the bootleg Iron Maiden shirts but can't name any of their songs or albums.

1. Feeder - Polythene
2. Entombed - To Ride, Shoot Straight And Speak The Truth
3. 3 Colours Red - Pure
4. Foo Fighters - The Colour And The Shape
5. Deftones - Around The Fur
6. Radiohead - OK Computer
7. Paradise Lost - One Second
8. Prodigy - The Fat Of The Land
9. The Verve - Urban Hymns
10. Faith No More - Album Of The Year
11. Sick Of It All - Built To Last
12. Misery Loves Co. - Not Like Them
13. Strapping Young Lad - City
14. Metallica - Re-Load
15. Kerbdog - On The Turn
16. Green Day - Nimrod
17. Reef - Glow
18. Me First And The Gimme Gimmes - Have A Ball
19. Oasis - Be Here Now
20. Life Of Agony - Soul Searching Sun

How many actual metal albums are there? Maybe 2 or 3? (if we taken in that not-so-good era Paradise Lost album). Even that Entombed albums a bit suspect. Granted this wasn't only Metal Hammer going in this direction but also Kerrang with the horrible normal font and the coverage of shit bands like Clawfinger, Stuck Mojo and Limp Bizquick.

Xmas Xcess


The King (as in Diamond)

Drametal (from Japan)

Metal Archives search

Bad News - featuring members of the Young Ones & precursor to...

....Spinal Tap


Nothing like David Lee Roth in elf pants