Saturday, July 7, 2007

National Day of Stryper II: Honestly Lame

  Stryper seems to have started the whole horrible militarized cops trend.

Stryper – Soldiers Under Command (Enigma, 1985)
This is the second album from these “bumblebees for Christ”. Starting with the "Dokken meets Styx” title track which for what it is, ain’t bad. Stop laughing – it’s 1985 and some of you were not even born or "rockin'" to Mr. Mister on MTV. Where this gets shitty is in the next song, which like the first it starts with proper (albeit poppy & cheesy) hard rock then makes me feel like I can't do anything other than wanting kill when I hear the chorus of: “Jeessss-usss…king of king makes me want to sing”. Rock that stigmata motherfucker!

Next is the "Styx meets Poison" of “Together Forever” is a bit shaky if anything. Then…comes burning bush of musical shit: “First Love” even for (Odin forbid) Circa: 1985 pop metal” this is going WAYYYYY too low! A 100% sappy piano ballad with even sappier vocals. Almost making “Sister Christian” sound like Venom. Then “The Rock That Makes Me Roll” No, it’s not about his wife or girlfriend as his "rock/foundation" to rely on. Nor is it some abstract concept encompassed in “the rock (and roll)”. Yet again it’s…Jesus! Surprisingly not too bad for super-dorky cheesy metal from ’85 with the “typical of any metal” line of “stand up and fight…” I'm trying to give them a little credit here.

(Thee battle hath commenced and...brains lost)

Side 2 is full of melodic choruses and more of the crap they did on side A. “Reach Out” is a sugary sweet mess. Catchy as a plague of frogs from the sky. The next song “(Waiting For) A Love That’s Real” is more bubblegum rock for the “water into wine” set. “I love you, I want you…but that won’t change the way I feel” The way you feel about playing this wretched song? Next up another sturdy, turdy ballad called “Together As One”. Suddenly they get back to rockin’ or something. What’s that: “Oh…Jesus Christ is the lover of your soul and he wants to give you every thing you need!” Really? Uh, how about a new apartment and $8000 bucks? Some primo hash? Helloo...Jesus are you there? Admittedly solos are passable and wouldn’t be out of place on some proper metal release. They close everything with a ‘cover’ of the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” a super shitty ‘American traditional’ (Aka: Another damn Christian song,us 'Mercians are supposed to "honor"). If you think this is shitty wait ‘til you hear the Manowar version. Both are dead even in the amount of SUCK they produce.

By the Hammer of Thor! I can’t believe I just reviewed a whole Stryper tape. Praise Cheesus that I had a fast forward button. It now rests it "holy soul" in the Palo Alto Goodwill.

 How is this NOT on TV right now? 

As for their bible throwing antics, I've been told of 3 different occasions where someone got a Bible violently thrown into their eye socket. "By his sharp cornered bibles ye shall be healed?" Here's what they look like now. Not so "strype-y".

Stryper used to have a giant 666 with the international sign for "no" over it on each side of the stage. The 777 concept is odd. Some people think it's lucky because of how many times the number 7 appears in the bible. Although this dude thinks otherwise. He says they're as bad as Steve Vai and even..."Mr...Crowley"

Well, I can't find an image of their anti-666 stage thingy but I bet they'd hate luchadore Damian 666.

OK, I swear on a stack of flying Stryper bibles that I don't have any Bloodgood stories. Eh...except this:

(KZSU about 5 years ago)

Me: "Yeah there was this other Christian metal band in the 80's called 'Bloodgood'.

My friend Katie: (In total disbelief): "BloodGOOD!?! opposed to "BloodBAD?!?"

Me: Nah, I don't think there was a Bloodbad but yeah...they were really lame."

Hmmm...I wonder if people tried contact them through this guy?

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